"What's your name, what's your sign, damn you got me repeating lines"

Edit: Site redesign. Enjoy.

I know this blog kind of has a lot to make up for the long hiatus we all took from updating. I'm pleased to say that starting this week, you will get around 5-7 entries a week consistently so don't give up on John yet.

Anyway, I was thinking of what to write about. I pondered for a while and realized that I really like lists and more specifically, rankings. So why not doing a ranking for you good folks? The OCD side of me really likes to sort things out according to a way that makes sense. I constantly rank things in my mind, whether it's point guards or places I like to eat. I want to readily be able to say, so-and-so is better than so-and-so. So today I'm unveiling my first of hopefully many rankings, on something I've seen in the newspaper many times on long commutes; horoscopes and more specifically the Zodiac signs.

Zodiac Power Rankings
[Notable persons are generally in a best to worst order. Coolest to lamest, most desirable to least desirable, most accomplished to most failed, etc.]

12. Cancer (The Crab)

There really is no disputing that Cancer is the worst Zodiac sign. The most commonly attributed meaning to the word is a deadly disease that kills millions a year. Whenever someone asks for my sign so they could check it in the newspaper I have to say, "I'm a Cancer." Honestly, they should've named the medical term something else because I'm pretty sure the Greek myth of Cancer the Crab and the constellation got here first. Don't just try to share the word if the medical term is gonna stand for something as deadly as cancer. To top it off, the animal associated with Cancer is a predictably a crab. At first glance, crabs seem relatively dangerous; those claws seem like suitable offensive weapons. But really, crabs are usually too small to be a threat and they can't jump or fly to claw out your eyes. Crabs are generally only dangerous to bare feet and promiscuously active penises.

Notable Cancers: Derek Jeter, Petra Nemcova, Kristen Bell, Josh Hartnett, Dalai Lama, Dustin Kim, Tom Cruise, George W. Bush, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, prostate, 50 Cent

11. Capricorn (The Sea-Goat)

This is a Sea-Goat: 

...enough said. But if you want me to say more, goats were never very cool to begin with; combining a goat with a huge fish certainly isn't the way to make them any cooler. Try sunglasses, a convertible, and a pack of slickly branded cigarettes next time. Duh.

Notable Capricorns: Tiger Woods, Muhammed Ali, Denzel Washington, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Kate Bosworth, Zooey Deschanel, Orlando Bloom, Heather Choe, Jude Law, Warren Li, Ricky Martin, Andrew Chu, Jared Leto

10. Aquarius (The Water Carrier)

"According to the Greek mythology, Aquarius was 'cup-bearer to the Gods' (Ganymede). Ganymede was the son of Tros, king of Troy. While tending his father's flocks on Mount Ida, Ganymede was spotted by Zeus. The king of gods became enamored of the boy and flew down to the mountain in the form of a large bird, whisking Ganymede away to the heavens. Ever since, the boy has served as the cupbearer of the Greek gods." He's to be played by Adam Sandler if the film adaptation gets picked up by a studio.

Notable Aquarians: Michael Jordan, Justin Timberlake, Doutzen Kroes, Elizabeth Banks, Phil Collins, Jennifer Aniston, Mischa Barton, Chris Rock, Judy Blume, Ken Jin, Joey Fatone, Nick Carter, Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin

9. Pisces (The Fishes)

Pisces gets points immediately taken off for looking like a typo of 'pieces'. Other than that, Pisces doesn't really stand out. Goldfish crackers are delicious if you get the right flavor so it gets the slight edge over Waterboy and the Pokemon-inspired Goatfish. I also kinda like the way it's pronounced.

Notables Pisces: Ellen Page,  Shaquille O'Neal, Jessica Biel, Eva Longoria, Rihanna, Steve Jobs, Bruce Willis, Queen Latifah

8. Libra (The Scales)

I may have Libra too high considering that they're representative of an inanimate object. But the notable Libras are generally pretty awesome with a very low concentration of douche so I gave them a slight boost in the rankings. But it's safe to say, if all the Zodiac symbols got into a huge fight, the Scales would be getting humped by the Sea-Goat.

Notable Libras: Usher, Will Smith, Rachel McAdams, Aimee Teegarden, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Matt Damon, T.I., Hilary Duff, Yo-Yo Ma

7. Virgo (The Virgin)

I watched The 40 Year Old Virgin the other day and realized that Steve Carrell plays the same character in every movie. It's not easy to get to a point in your craft where you're so good at one aspect of it that you can make your living off of that. Steve Carrell may never be able to play a wide variety of roles but his delivery of what he does right now is so on point, it doesn't really matter. He's the Jason Kapono of acting. Back on the real topic though, if you wikipedia Virgo and check out the picture they have for the entry, you can tell why she's a virgin. Snap.

Notable Virgos: Cassie, Rachel Bilson, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce Knowles, Ludacris, Keanu Reeves, Michael Jackson, Macaulay Culkin, Ricki Lake, Jimmy Fallon

6. Taurus (The Bull)

Other than being the name of a fairly successful Ford automobile model, Taurus also happens to be the 6th ranked Zodiac sign. Taurus reminded how I never caught a Tauros in the Safari Zone, knocking it down from 5th to 6th. The bull is always a solid choice for an animal mascot though so I couldn't drop it far. 

Notable Tauruses: Amber Heard, Jessica Alba, Chris Brown, George Clooney, Stevie Wonder, Bono, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino

5. Gemini (The Twins)

It's kinda weird how the Olsen twins, probably the most famous twins of the last century happen to be Geminis. Imagine if everyone born in this time period were twins because of some astrological phenomenon. We could have two Natalie Portmans, Adriana Limas, and Morgan Freemans in the world! Although, Kanye West would probably end up committing fratricide on his twin brother for taking away some of his shine.

Notable Gemini: Natalie Portman, Anna Kournikova, Adriana Lima, Ashley Olsen, Morgan Freeman, Johnny Depp, Heidi Klum, Kanye West, Mark Wahlberg, Venus Williams, Drew Carey, Mary-Kate Olsen

4. Aries (The Ram)

What the hell, there are too many goddamn Zodiac signs. Maybe this was too ambitious of an entry attempt to jump right back into cold turkey. I've stalled like 4 times already. Gotta finish at this point though, I've come too far. Uhhh, I...like...Hermione.

Notable Aries: Emma Watson, Miranda Kerr, Keira Knightley, Amanda Bynes, Paul Rudd, Jackie Chan, Zach Braff, Robert Downey Jr., Sir Elton John, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Fergie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Rosie O'Donnell

3. Sagittarius (The Archer)

Could've taken the number two spot in my rankings based on some merits but the name Sagittarius detracted from its overall case. Not only is it difficult to say but it sounds rather non-hetero. (Probably because I could see Warren calling John a Fagittarius in jest.) Regardless, the Archer is probably the coolest symbol among the Zodiac signs. I would take being an archer over a crab everyday of the week. A good diverse mix of notables too.

Notable Sagittariuses: Kristin Kreuk, Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johannson, Jay-Z, Elisha Cuthbert, Shel Silverstein, Christina Aguilera, Katie Holmes, Alyssa Milano, Brad Pitt, Jon Stewart, Samuel L. Jackson, Miley Cyrus, John Lim, Britney Spears

2. Scorpio (The Scorpion)

The coolest sounding name for a Zodiac sign is most likely Scorpio. It just sounds like a comic book villain's name and Marvel thoroughly agrees with me. Pound for pound, the Scorpion is probably the deadliest of all the Zodiac creatures. But at the same time, I feel like if I'm aware of the Scorpion's presence, a swift and accurate kick would take care of the threat. Would definitely kill Cancer the Crab easily. Cancer the Crab is like if you took a scorpion and took away its venomous tail and replaced it with an inability to walk straight.

Notable Scorpios: Leonardo DiCaprio, BoA, Martin Scorsese, Daniel Kang, Megan Lee, Bill Gates, David Schwimmer, Hillary Clinton, Danny DeVito

1. Leo (The Lion)

Too easy. Anyone who has grown up watching the Lion King Everyone not named Scar knows that the lions rule the animal kingdom with a fair, yet just rule, imposing their dominance when necessary to keep the circle of life in check. In the Zodiac kingdom, the Lion would scoff at the competition for the throne. Sea-goats? Fish? Crabs? 

Notable Leos: Charlize Theron, Mila Kunis, Kina Grannis, Evangeline Lilly, Kate Beckinsale, Yvonne Strahovski, Ed Norton, Halle Berry, Hayden Panettiere, Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc, Casey Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez

Remind me to only rank things in groups of 5 next time.