A Pictureless, Linkless Affair (Now With 78% More Footnotes!)

John got owned by the blog's auto-formatting wizardry and he gave up on updating tonight last night. To tide you over, I will ramble aimlessly.

Some of you loyal readers are undoubtedly thinking, 'I'm thoroughly enjoying, yet at the same time overwhelmed by all the awesomeness these boys are bringing in every post.' With all the funny pictures, interesting links, and cleverly-woven anecdotes in every post, it's pretty easy to see that all of us have copious amounts of wit and humor. Ergo, I will go against the grain and not be using any pictures or links for today.

On a related note, 'ergo' and 'alas' are very underrated words. Use them whenever you can get away with it because I think they're awesome. Best used with the white-mustache-and-monocle combo. But I like them anyway.

Okay, so you know those Tempur-Pedic commercials where they place a glass of wine on one part of the mattress and then like jump around on the other part and the glass of wine doesn't fall.¹ Have you ever thought, 'Why would I ever need that feature? Why are they marketing a feature that doesn't seem useful at all?'² Well I would've thoroughly enjoyed that feature today. So like 4 hours ago, I looked in my fridge for foods to eat. I saw the crunchy peanut butter and eggs there but that would've required a ton more effort. No, I was definitely in a simpler food mood. So I got a disposable cup (all the bowls needed a good dishwashing), a box of Frosted Flakes, and the remaining milk and took it to my bed, where I browse the interwebs on my laptop. So I pour the cereal, then the milk³ into my cup and [Stop and see if you can spot my mistake. If you realize what I'm missing before you continue reading, you don't need Tempur-Pedic mattresses.] I realize I didn't bring a spoon. I sat there and said, "..." As much as I wanted to just drink the cereal from the cup, Frosted Flakes are sharp and pointy like ridiculous. You can maybe drink Rice Krispies from the cup but never Frosted Flakes. It's a scientific fact, proven with lab coats and test tubes and everything. So, I set down my cup on the flattest part of my piece-of-shit-school-mattress lumpy mattress and after making sure that it's going to stay up, I smoothly slide off my bed and go to the kitchen to find a spoon. I get the spoon and I'm so tired (not from getting the spoon, just in general) that I just kinda just collapse onto my bed, forgetting that there is a cup of cereal [think: not that bad, could be worse] and milk [think: tragedy Billy Shakespeare would've appreciated] on my bed. My non-Tempur-Pedic bed of course does not hold the cup in place and instead I'm left with a very wet bedsheet and cereal all over the place. I was looking forward to the warm (,dry) comforts of my bed and some sugary cereal but alas! I was left with neither.

¹     I resisted temptation to link so you will have to imagine it. Or you could google "tempurpedic" + "wine" if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

²     Although on second thought, they were probably just trying to get across the point that you won't be bothered by the movements of your wife/husband/one-night stand if they don't stay still. But ignore that.

³     I always do it in that order. Always.